Chronicle Crystal Ball 16/01/16 : the chronicle.ie

Chronicle Crystal Ball 16/01/16

| January 16, 2016

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The Queen arrives to inspect Paddy’s Bull, and airport for Our Lady’s Island, a Goat, a Labrador and a Puppet win Dail seats, 1996 hurlers are brought back, Action Man George and JCB man Robbie rescue their leader, Fergie turns Wexford into a giant Ice Rink, Jimmy Gahan takes over the Late late Show. The Chronicle Crystal Ball reveals some of the event to make headlines for the twelve months ahead.

JANUARY

The year starts with thoughts of the general election dominating the minds of the political classes. There is surprise when Fianna Fail announces that the party is to run a fourth candidate. There is even more surprise when the candidate is named as Jonathan a puppet who had taken part in the Christmas Shows at Santa’s Enchanted Castle in Enniscorthy. A party press release says that Jonathan had achieved a very high profile with thousands visiting his shows in the run up to Christmas. It said the move also demonstrated Fianna Fail’s commitment to gender equality and to giving voters the widest possible choice. The party ticket would now offer male, female and none of the above to voters.

In South Wexford plans are announced for the building of an airport in Our Lady’s Island. Mayor Ger Carthy is joined by Bishop Denis Brennan and Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary for the announcement. O’Leary says Ryanair will pay for the entire project and fly in tens of thousands of pilgrims each year from all over the world to Our Lady’s Island. Brendan Howlin is not invited to the launch; George Lawlor attacks the whole thing as an election stunt.

February

As opinion polls show Jonathan gaining ground in advance of the election Fine Gael announces the addition of another candidate. The party names Lucy, a Labrador owned by a Branch Chairman in New Ross as the new candidate, A Fine Gael spokesman says Lucy is of course female confirming the party’s absolute commitment to gender balance. George Lawlor attacks Fine Gael but suggests that the new candidate will actually improve the party’s team. Sinn Fein says they would never go into government with a party represented by a dog. George Lawlor attacks Sinn Fein and says they have been in bed with worse in the north.

Enda Kenny announces that he is to stay in power for another six months, postponing the election to the end of the year. The Taoiseach tells the Dail that over Christmas he met a woman on the street in Castlebar who said it would be reckless for him to go to the country and risk losing his good job. At a New Year’s Eve party a twenty one year old girl he was chatting up told him he was doing such a great job he should stay as long as he could and a farmer he met at the Mart in Enniscorthy said all types of eegits could be elected when he went to the country so he should delay as long as possible. Enda said these represented the ordinary people and he was heeding their advice

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March

A major security operation is put in place for the 1916 centenary celebrations in Enniscorthy when it is announced the Queen is to attend. There is huge surprise that the Queen has come to Enniscorthy rather than the national event in Dublin. A few days after the announcement The Sun newspaper reveals the reason the Queen selected Enniscorthy. She had read about Paddy Kavanagh’s prize bull and simply could not wait to see it. Kate Middleton has also been mesmerised by reports of Paddy’s bull and says she will accompany the Queen. Prince William is concerned about her travelling without him and advises her to be careful of both Paddy and the bull..

The visit is a spectacular success with the Queen spending several hours in the company of Paddy and the bull. Kate Middleton tells Sky news that Paddy’s bull is the most impressive specimen she has ever witnessed.

There is more surprise when, after the formal ceremonies in Enniscorthy, the Queen accompanies Paddy to a local pub. No one is more surprised than the Queen herself when she arrives at The Whitehouse in Templeshannon. When Paddy asked her if she would like to go to the Whitehouse she thought he was offering to take her to Washington.

April

It’ Red Carpet time and there are more celebrations in Enniscorthy when Town Manager Padraig O’Gorman, Co. Council Communications Manager David Minogue and Paddy Kavanagh are all nominated for Oscars. Paul Kehoe arranges the government jet to fly the trio from Waterford but only on condition that Brendan Howlin is not invited to the ceremony and that he is personally allowed to carry the Oscars down the steps of the plane on the return home.

May

Louis van Gaal announces that he is leaving Man Utd to take over the Wexford Hurling team. Liam Griffin denounces this contamination of the great art of hurling by foreign influences and calls on the Officers of the Co. Board to resign. Van Gaal reveals sweeping changes to the Wexford side dropping all members of the panel and replacing them with the players who won the 1996 All Ireland. Liam Griffin describes the decision as a bold move. ‘This is unbelievable, or is it true Gerry’ Liam Spratt tells South East Radio listeners. Specsavers announces a €1m sponsorship deal for the team saying that the players are amongst their best customers.

June

Water charge protestors surround Tanaiste Joan Burton’s car during a visit to Kilmore Quay. The incident happens when the Labour leader’s car halts to listen to a lady playing a bodhran on the roadside. Immediately protesters race onto the roadway and surround the car. When Brendan Howlin arrives to assist his leader he is manhandled by the protesters and locked in the boot. After more than two hours Llabour councillors George Lawlor and Robbie Ireton arrive. George is dressed in an Action Man outfit having hurriedly left the stage while Robbie is driving a JCB. Robbie digs a large hole nearby before driving the JCB into the protestors and loading a dozen of them into the bucket. He then buries them in the hole while George frees Brendan from the boot and Joan’s car speeds away.

July

Mick Wallace and Clare Daly win the ‘Most Appropriate Dressed Couple’ award at the Galway Races. Councillor Malcolm Byrne attacks the decision saying it was totally inappropriate for a tax dodger to be honoured in this way. Michael D’Arcy says Fianna fail had no problem entertaining all sorts of dodgers in the Galway tent for years. The Sunday Independent reveals that the judging panel for the competition consisted of three Prison Officers from Limerick prison. In a statement Malcolm Byrne says this proves that the award was inappropriate given the couple’s connection with Limerick Prison.

August

Government Chief Whip Paul Kehoe announces the opening of a major Army Base on the Saltee Islands. He says there will be over three thousand jobs in construction and an estimated five thousand jobs when the project is complete. Taoiseach Enda Kenny travels to the Saltees to cut the sod for the new Army Base but the photo shoot is disrupted when two people dressed as Batman and Robin run towards the Taoiseach firing water pistols in his direction. When security officers remove the masks from the protesters they are identified as Mick Wallace and Clare Daly. Wallace later tells Vincent Browne that he is totally opposed to military jobs in his constituency.

September

Enda Kenny finally calls the election and there is a crowded field in Wexford. With opinion polls showing strong support for Lucy and Jonathan, Sinn Fein announces that it is to add a candidate. Ellie a goat is said to have strong republican links having been transported from a farm in South Armagh to North Wexford earlier in the year. The election proves a great success for females when Jonathan, Lucy and Ellie are all elected on the first count taking over 90% of the vote. Vincent Browne says the new TDs are a major improvement on those they have replaced.

October

As plans for the new Wexford town Winterfest are announced Mayor Fergie Kehoe says the town will go all out this year. Instead of having an ice rink on the quays the entire town is to be turned into an ice rink with imported ice deposited on every street and shoppers encouraged to skate their way around the shops. Davy Hynes says he is concerned that it will be a problem for old people who could fall and break bones. Mayor Kehoe dismisses the criticism and says that if there are a lot of broken bones and other injuries it will be good because the increased demand on Wexford Hospital can be used as part of a case for an extension to the building the following year.

November

Twenty five thousand people attend the switching on of the Christmas lights in Gorey. Visitors from all over the county travel to see the star attraction—-a giant sized image in lights of Councillor Robbie Ireton seated with councillors Joe Sullivan, Anthony Donohoe and Fionntan O ‘Súilleabháin perched on his knees. Sky News report live from Gorey and the image becomes a Facebook phenomena recording ten million hits in twenty four hours.

December

There is tremendous excitement in Enniscorthy when it is announced that local broadcaster Jimmy Gahan is to replace Ryan Tubridy as host of the Late Late Show. Mr Gahan promises to win back viewers by having real guests on the programme. The first programme is massive hit attracting more viewers than the Toy Show. It features Paddy Kavanagh and his price winning bull live in studio. The bull takes a fancy to a young lady in the audience and drags his master up the steps towards the entrance as the young lady flees the advancing duo. The incident attracts twenty million Facebook hits within days

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